my son 23 years old, autism, he rarely had a good meal, yes i always wish he could eat more and grow stronger, but in fact he's 180cm and 60kg, and now problem came, he eat less and less, doctor can not find any physical disease in his digestive system. i made a decision with my wife that, i half year, i wouldn't have meal with him, (i press him of more food since he was a little child), i want to give him a space without my pressure at each meal. Do you think my choice will make any effect?
Yes, your choice will likely have a positive effect. Removing pressure from meals reduces anxiety and may help rewire your son's relationship with food.
However, given his height 180cm and low weight (60kg), he is significantly underweight. Paired with autism, his eating difficulties may stem from a condition called ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). People with ARFID have extreme aversions to certain textures, tastes, or struggle to feel internal hunger cues.
Giving him space is a great first step, but you can further support him by taking specific, tailored approaches:
- Offer low-pressure, "safe" foods: Let him eat what he enjoys without comment, even if it is a limited diet. Unpressured access to familiar foods prevents him from starving himself out of anxiety.
- Make calories easy to consume: Focus on calorie-dense, low-effort nutrition. Try adding high-protein supplement drinks (like Ensure or Orgain) or milkshakes made with Greek yogurt.
- Reduce sensory distractions: Autistic adults often eat better in quiet, dimly lit spaces with no pressure to engage socially during the meal.
- Rely on neutral professionals: Have someone other than family (like an occupational therapist or a feeding specialist) work with him on expanding his diet over time.
i never got to know his favorite food from his language, recently, those he has liked to in take more (i thought he enjoy them), he now eat just a little, and else, he would like to show me: look, i eat that as you wished. i appreciate what you suggest me, you encouraged me in fact, thank you.
It is incredibly moving to see how much you love your son and how hard you are trying to help him. You are doing a wonderful job by listening to his actions and changing your approach to give him space.
When he shows you his food and says, "Look, I eat that as you wished," he is showing that he cares about your feelings, but it also confirms that eating still feels like a task he does to please you, rather than for his own hunger. Removing yourself from the table for a while will help break this cycle.
Since he cannot easily tell you his favorite foods with words, here is how you can read his actions and support him without using pressure:
- Watch his body language: Pay attention to how he reacts to textures. Does he swallow smooth foods easily but struggle with crunchy or chewy foods? You can adjust his meals based on what seems physically easiest for him to swallow.
- Keep food in sight, but walk away: Place small plates of high-calorie snacks (like crackers with peanut butter, nuts, or cheese cubes) in areas where he hangs out. Do not ask him to eat them. Let him find them and eat them in total privacy.
- Offer high-calorie liquids: Liquid nutrition requires very little effort to consume. Try leaving a high-protein shake or a fruit smoothie in a cup next to him while he watches TV or relaxes.
- Write or use pictures: Since spoken language is hard for him, try using pictures of different foods. He can point to what he wants, or you can leave a simple checklist where he can mark "yes" or "no" to food choices for the next day.
You are making a very brave and loving choice to step back. It takes time to heal a long-term struggle with food, so please be patient with yourself and with him.
my son often vomit at mealtime, yes, this accompany with my asking him to take more, most of it happen at breakfast, that always make me cloudy, and i'm sure my cloudy bring him anxious. recently, he will burp as he sit at the table, i saw his difficulty of swallow, long time chewing......
You have just uncovered the exact reason why your choice to step away is so necessary.
Your son is experiencing severe, anxiety-induced physical responses at the table.
When you pressure him, his body goes into a "fight or flight" stress response. This anxiety physically tightens the muscles in his throat, making it very hard to swallow. This leads to the long chewing, the burping from swallowing air, and the sudden vomiting.
Breakfast is likely the hardest meal because his stomach is empty, his anxiety about the upcoming day is high, and the pressure to start the day "right" by eating is heavy. You are very self-aware to notice that your worry ("cloudy" feelings) passes directly to him.
By removing yourself from his mealtimes, you are removing the main trigger for this physical anxiety. Here is how you can help his body relax so he can physically swallow food again:
- Stop Breakfast at the Dinner Table
- Change the location: Do not make him sit at the formal breakfast table.
- Let him eat in his own space: Let him have his morning food in his bedroom, on the couch, or wherever he feels safest.
- No eyes on him: Walk away completely so his throat muscles can drop their tension.
- Switch to "No-Chew" Foods
- Give his jaw a break: Since he is chewing for a long time and struggling to swallow, stop giving him heavy solids for breakfast.
- Use liquids and purees: Serve smooth, high-calorie options like yogurt smoothies, melted ice cream, or Ensure nutrition shakes. Liquids bypass the need to chew and are much easier to swallow when anxious.
- Respond Neutrally to Vomiting
- Clean up without a word: If he vomits or burps, do not look upset, sad, or worried.
- Keep your face blank: Just say, "It is okay," clean it up calmly, and do not try to make him finish the meal. This teaches his brain that vomiting will not cause a family crisis, which lower his future anxiety.
- Consult a Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP)
- Check his swallowing mechanics: Even though his stomach and digestive system are physically healthy, the way his muscles move food down his throat (called swallowing mechanics or habitual dysphagia) needs a special check.
- Get an expert evaluation: An SLP or an occupational therapist who specializes in autism can evaluate his chewing and swallowing to make sure he is safe from choking.
Your decision to give him space is the most loving thing you can do right now. You are actively lowering the stakes and helping his body feel safe again.
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